SomeoneMovie Review: Bram Stoker's Way of the Vampire
July 2nd 2009 03:32
Premise: Van Helsing kills Dracula, but while he is doing so another vampire turns his VH's into the undead. In revenge, VH makes a pact with the church: He shall be immortal, until he has killed all of the vampire princes.
Fast forward to present day: The vamps are running scared, afraid of incurring Van Helsing's wrath. Then the prince vampire guy gets a taste of blood, and decides to start amassing an army to destroy Van Helsing.
Acting: Pretty shocking all round. Not one stand out performer in the lot, and all standing out would require would be a mediocre performance.
Script: Terrible. Let me rattle off a few examples.
The vampires had been living in fear for many years.... but all it took was for one grunt vampire to steal some blood from a hospital to start a vampire hunting revolution.
Van Helsing is the bane of vampires and has killed countless vamps.... even though he has mediocre fighting ability, and vamps are super strong, super fast and can turn into bats or wolves. Believable, right?
This one is my personal favourite:
"It would be different if they were like wasps, one sting and they're dead, but instead they come back again, and again, and again"
Wasps, as we all know, can sting as many times as they like. It's bees that can only sting once. How did that get through editing?
Moving on: effects.
Overall: Tries to ride on Bram Stoker's Dracula's coat-tails, but falls far, far short. A pretty abysmal effort, and not worth your time unless you are starved for vampire action and have seen every other vamp movie you can get your hands on. Even then, probably still a waste of time.
On a side note: As a general rule of thumb, Eagle Entertainment should be avoided at all costs. I had never heard of them before, but they market this movie, along with House of the Dead, Dracula 3000 and Alone in the Dark. I rest my case.
Oh I almost forgot. Half the reason I got this movie in the first place was because of the mean looking bat on the front cover, and the other half was the triple-crossbow (which reminded me alot of the triple-barrel shotgun from Undead). Both are on the cover, yet neither appear at all in the movie. Lying b@$&ards.
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