SomeoneLockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent
April 19th 2009 10:50
I blame it on Anaconda.
Anaconda was a good movie, despite what all the nay-sayers say. The cast was, for the most part, good. Yes, there were exceptions. I don't like J-Lo in any of her movies, and Ice-Cube isn't the greatest actor on the planet, but I think Jon Voight is a superb actor, and Jonathan Hyde is always watchable. Anyways... Overall, the movie was good.
Since then, however, I have not seen a decent giant snake movie. The next best thing that I have seen was Anaconda 2... which was watchable, but not great. Anacondas 3 was just... well, that's a story for another time.
Which brings us to Lockjaw.
Story goes as follows: A boy steals a magic pencil from a voodoo witch doctor type person. After witnessing his dad abusing his mother, he draws a picture of his dad being eaten by a giant snake... which subsequently happens.
Fast forward 40 years or so. Boys childhood friend (who he is living with & dating) digs up the buried magic pencil, and is then accidentally (and unknowingly) run over by a group of teenagers. Guy freaks out and then draws a picture of a giant snake eating the car full of teens. The son of the witch doctor (DMX) then tries to save the teens from the snake.
There are some other plot devices used, but they are predictable old people storylines (grief over a dead loved one) and predictable teen plots (love triangles, etc)... The story is awful, the acting is awful, and even though DMX is printed clearly next to the title, he is barely in the movie. You first see him 50 minutes in, I would say he is in less than 10-15 minutes of the movie.
It should be pretty clear that I like movies that are so bad that they're good. This, unfortunately, is not one of them. It appears that we just have to wait until Anaconda 4 for a decent (?) snake movie.
spoiler: If you plan on watching this (abysmal) movie, stop reading now. I am going to ruin (if that's possible) the ending.
[i]They kill the snake with a bazooka. A fucking bazooka! I mean, he hits it once, and then it comes back without a scratch, but the second rocket takes the snakes entire head off no problem.
I mean, come on. A magical snake that can stab people with it's tail and (somehow) drag off people is going to get hit by a bazooka and then come straight back out to exactly the same spot? Just... awful.
Anaconda was a good movie, despite what all the nay-sayers say. The cast was, for the most part, good. Yes, there were exceptions. I don't like J-Lo in any of her movies, and Ice-Cube isn't the greatest actor on the planet, but I think Jon Voight is a superb actor, and Jonathan Hyde is always watchable. Anyways... Overall, the movie was good.
Since then, however, I have not seen a decent giant snake movie. The next best thing that I have seen was Anaconda 2... which was watchable, but not great. Anacondas 3 was just... well, that's a story for another time.
Which brings us to Lockjaw.
Story goes as follows: A boy steals a magic pencil from a voodoo witch doctor type person. After witnessing his dad abusing his mother, he draws a picture of his dad being eaten by a giant snake... which subsequently happens.
Fast forward 40 years or so. Boys childhood friend (who he is living with & dating) digs up the buried magic pencil, and is then accidentally (and unknowingly) run over by a group of teenagers. Guy freaks out and then draws a picture of a giant snake eating the car full of teens. The son of the witch doctor (DMX) then tries to save the teens from the snake.
There are some other plot devices used, but they are predictable old people storylines (grief over a dead loved one) and predictable teen plots (love triangles, etc)... The story is awful, the acting is awful, and even though DMX is printed clearly next to the title, he is barely in the movie. You first see him 50 minutes in, I would say he is in less than 10-15 minutes of the movie.
It should be pretty clear that I like movies that are so bad that they're good. This, unfortunately, is not one of them. It appears that we just have to wait until Anaconda 4 for a decent (?) snake movie.
spoiler: If you plan on watching this (abysmal) movie, stop reading now. I am going to ruin (if that's possible) the ending.
[i]They kill the snake with a bazooka. A fucking bazooka! I mean, he hits it once, and then it comes back without a scratch, but the second rocket takes the snakes entire head off no problem.
I mean, come on. A magical snake that can stab people with it's tail and (somehow) drag off people is going to get hit by a bazooka and then come straight back out to exactly the same spot? Just... awful.
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