Evil Pleasures

Murphy's law is, basically, the bane of my existance. Right after I got back into full reviewing mode, BAM, my computer has a hissy fit and dies. Couple that with a new job, and EvilPleasures has taken a backseat. So, this is definitely NOT a statement that I shall start reviewing again, and I...

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Ah, the calls of real life. How they distract you from what's truly important... like reviewing B-grade horror movies. However, I am now determined to find the time to keep this site regularly updated, so expect the flow to resume. So don't you worry, my children. Daddy's home....

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Premise: Following on from the original Screamers, a group of army-type people must return to Sirius 6B to investigate a distress beacon. They get there and start dying. cough *Aliens* cough. To be honest, I haven't seen the original Screamers in many years, but from memory it is one of the m...

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Before I begin, I know Push isn't a horror movie, and as such probably doesn't belong here. However, since I am the Alpha and the Omega, I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway. Premise: A government agency (The Division) has been experimenting on psychics and turning them into weapons. No one ha...

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Part 2 of the Sci-Fi Channel Crock of Shit Double Feature Extravaganza! Premise: A group of voracious snakehead fish decimate the fish population of a lake before the lake is poisoned, supposedly killing them off. A few years later, the snakeheads are back, only this time they're huge, and s...

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Part 1 of the Sci-Fi Crock-Of-Shit Double Whammy! Premise: A company genetically engineers locusts that are carnivores, trying to make them eat bugs off crops as an alternative to pesticides. Predictably, they escape captivity, and start eating people. First up, sorry for the hiatus. I hav...

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Premise: A group of militants take the staff of a grocery store hostage, killing several customers and employees in the process. However, they aren't really bandits, and some of the 'hostages' aren't what they appear to be. Having watched The Signal again last night, I have had a craving some...

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Premise: A group of employees working for a weapons manufacturer go on a team-building weekend, led by their boss Richard (Tim McInnerny). After being kicked off the bus by their Hungarian driver for reasons unknown, the group continue on foot until they supposedly find their lodge. It isn't lon...

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Premise: A weird signal begins to broadcast over every TV, radio & phone. Those that are exposed to it have their perceptions warped, suffer hallucinations, and are convinced to kill those around them. The story is told in 3 parts (or transmissions): The first follows the story of a girl nam...

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Premise: A group of mercenaries is hired by an American stranger to escort him to a site in a war-torn country. When they get there, they discover an abandoned Nazi bunker, and are soon after set upon by a mysterious, otherworldly foe. I'm going to say this straight away: Stop reading, go out...

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Premise: 3 groups of strangers are all forced by a mysterious detour sign to enter the backwood town of Pleasant Valley, led by Mayor Buckman (Robert Englund). They are then invited to stay for the towns 'Guts & Glory' festival, but start getting knocked off one by one by the creepy townsfol...

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The lovely Ms. Samaritan has brought it to my attention that the dark-red-on-black colour scheme I have going here is somewhat hard to read. First question: Do you agree? Second question: If so, what colour scheme do you think would be more appropriate? That is all. Maybe I should have call...

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2009: The Worst of the Worst	Movie Review: The Final Destination	*Fck you Murphy and your stupid law.**
Hiatus? What Hiatus?	Screamers: The Hunting	Movie Review: District 9
Movie Review: Push	Why Sy-Fy Is Dead To Me: A review of Snakehead Terror	Movie Review - Locusts: The 8th Plague
Movie Review: Alien Raiders	Movie Review: Severance	Movie Review: The Signal
Movie Review: Outpost	Movie Review: 2001 Maniacs	A little user survey

Evil Pleasures

2009: The Worst of the Worst

January 1st 2010 01:46

Well, it seems the 'Best of 2009' posts are a dime-a-dozen these days, so with that in mind I present to you the Evil Pleasures God-Awful Craptacular '09!

In order to make it on to this prestigous and exclusive list, a movie must be so terrible, so despicable, so ... awful, that it makes your eyes hurt and your nose bleed, and just watching it is enough to drain both your intelligence and your will to live.

I'm not limiting this list to movies released in '09, oh no. This is movies that I have watched this year, some new releases, so old 'classics'. Don't like it? I don't care.

Let's get the ball rolling with The Final Destination. My, what a fucking disaster this one was. Poor acting, lame effects, and a plot with more holes than the PGA circuit. Congratulations, fucknuts, you ruined a decent franchise. Then again, didn't we all see that coming?

Speaking of franchises that should have been laid to rest, I'm going to include Saw VI on the list, even though I haven't seen it. I don't have to see it: Some people get killed gruesomely, the plot is pathetic, and there's some lame twist half-heartedly thrown in at the end. And before you ask... yes, I know what I'm saying is freakishly accurate, and yes I am a little bit of a psychic.

It seems that the worst movies this year are all the franchises. From continuations that should never have happened, we move on to the other, evil-er side of the franchise demon: Reboots. Yes, I am talking about the Friday the 13th remake, although I wish I wasn't. Jason Voorhees is arguably one of, nay, THE greatest horror villain of all time. And before all you Freddy Krueger fan-boys start your girly high pitched whining, I'm going to cut your right off: Freddy has big metal fingernails. Oooooh, scary.

Back to the movie: Don't watch it. Don't let your friends watch it. Go and watch the original, or any of the original series. Even Freddy Vs Jason was better than this piece of trash. Just... abysmal.

I'm going to take a short break from the general trashiness. I must give a shoutout to Rob Zombie, and the work he has done on Halloween. It took watching Friday the 13th to realize just how completely Zombie could have fucked up, and my respect for him for not doing so is steadily increasing.

Having watched Halloween 2 recently, I am actually quite impressed with Zombie's work. Forget the fact that it's a Halloween movie, ignore just how far off the reservation he goes and how much he deviates from the original storyline, and you have a pretty damn entertaining horror romp, with some truly cringe-worthy kills and some gnarly effects.

Yes, I have issues with what he's done to the storyline. I would enjoy these movies alot more if they used the same story with different characters... but they're still decent movies.

Anyway, thinking of all these crap movies is making my head hurt. I'll come back to this later.

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Movie Review: The Final Destination

December 22nd 2009 11:37

Premise: A group of friends are watching a car race, when one has a vision of a freak accident that results in several cars crashing, destroying part of the stadium and killing a fair chunk of the audience. He leads his group and a few others to safety, avoiding their deaths. However, Death isn't finished with them just yet, and they will have to find a way to save themselves before Death catches up with them.

Now, I liked the first Final Destination. It was a good premise, the deaths were fun and inventive, its was just a good, fun movie. The second one; nothing new, but still a fun ride. To be honest, I didn't bother with the 3rd, but I can imagine it was more of the same and didn't wander hopelessly astray like FD.

To sum it up: This movie is crap. Pure, unadulterated crap. My personal highlight of the movie was getting to see Justin Welborn, who to date I have only seen in excellent low budget flicks (The Signal, The Other Side and Dance of the Dead, if you must know). Seeing him in it gave me hope that this might hopefully not be as bad as I feared.... But it was. Thankfully his character was killed off early, so my memory of him is not tarnished by this attrocity.

Acting: Terrible. Crap. Awful. Insert any expletive you can think of here, trust me, it's applicable.

Script: I suppose by the 4th installment of any series you will have to expect some decline in quality... I mean, who has enough ideas to carry a series that far? But this is just a piss-poor attempt to milk the final drops of money out of a dead franchise.

The thing about a movie series is... you have to obey the rules. If things are a certain way in the first movie, you can't randomly change the rules in the 4th movie without leaving the audience scratching their heads. Well, I was left scratching my head until I drew blood.

******** HERE BE SPOILERS ********

For example: The whole premise of the movie is that Death is trying to wipe these kids out to restore the natural order of things. The kids aren't meant to be alive, and so freak chances will kill them so that life can go on as it was meant to. That's the GOLDEN Final Destination rule. You HAVE to play by that rule, right? WRONG! In this movie, the writers obviously thought 'fuckit, we're sick of having to make sense, so we're just going to ignore the dogma of the last 3 movies and make our own rules!'. In order to kill off the last few kiddies, there's a massive explosion that wipes out half a cinema, and then half a mall, just to nail the kids.

"But wait", I hear you cry. "Those other innocent bystanders weren't meant to die! Death can't kill them without upsetting it's own natural order! That doesn't make any sense!"

That's absolutely correct. However, Mr. Writer Man gets paid regardless of whether he makes sense or not, and obviously making a quality script would have interfered with him snorting coke out of a hooker's ass, so he didn't bother.

More plot holes: Apparently everything in the movie, visions and death-avoidance included, happened so that the final 3 kids could all be sitting in a cafe to get hit by a truck. I say: BALLS! Apparently the writers think they are oh-so-clever because they can insert a final twist into the movie, even though it doesn't make any sense at all.... personally I blame all that coke they've been snorting. It's like an assassin standing over a target, letting him go, and then coming back later and killing him... with absolutely no reason for letting the target go in the first place. Perfectly logical, right?

It gets even friggin' worse. There's a whole scene in a barber shop where there's a loose fan, and a can of hair spray that magically moves into a hot hair straightener. The can explodes, and flies straight into the fan, knocking it off the roof, where it falls... straight at the victim's feet. It's not like Death has bad aim; the victim was sitting in a barbers chair. The victim then gets up and leaves, but gets hit in the eye by a flying rock.

"But that just sounds like the writers were stupid and added the hair spray rocket for no reason at all! Why would they do that!?"

Why, indeed.

Effects & Death Scenes: Always the highlight of FD Movies... these were still disappointing. Very disappointing, actually. The CGI was bad, the props were bad, everything was just bad.

I am sitting here, trying to think of the redeeming qualities of this movie. EVERY movie has a redeeming feature, right? Some are funny, some have some hot sex, some have a memorable death scene... FD4 really has none of the above. There are tits, but only for about 5 seconds. There is death, but the lame effects and predictability make them far from memorable. In fact, the defining quality of FD4 is it's all-around, 10/10, perfect score crappiness.

Stay away from this movie if you value your time, you sanity, or your taste in quality cinema. My first thought when the credits started rolling was... I'm glad I watched a pirated copy and didn't contribute a cent to this abomination. I've wasted my time; please don't waste yours.

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F*ck you Murphy and your stupid law.

December 8th 2009 00:36

Murphy's law is, basically, the bane of my existance.

Right after I got back into full reviewing mode, BAM, my computer has a hissy fit and dies. Couple that with a new job, and EvilPleasures has taken a backseat.

So, this is definitely NOT a statement that I shall start reviewing again, and I will never, ever get a new computer, ever!

(take that, Murphy).

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Hiatus? What Hiatus?

October 9th 2009 10:31

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Screamers: The Hunting

October 9th 2009 10:13

Premise: Following on from the original Screamers, a group of army-type people must return to Sirius 6B to investigate a distress beacon. They get there and start dying. cough *Aliens* cough

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Movie Review: District 9

August 17th 2009 14:06

Premise: Aliens land on Earth, with their ship settling to hover above Johannesburg. Instead of a delegation or an army, it appears the aliens are refugees and their ship has shut down. They are moved to a camp beneath the ship, which quickly devolves into a slum, walled in and ruled by gangs. Fast forward 20 years, and inter-species tensions are at breaking point. Seeking to control the situation, the government hires MNU (Multi-National United) to evict the million aliens, and move them to another camp further outside the city, where they will not cause so many problems

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Movie Review: Push

August 17th 2009 13:00

Before I begin, I know Push isn't a horror movie, and as such probably doesn't belong here. However, since I am the Alpha and the Omega, I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.